Are some people in your life telling the same old stories about you?
Have you become the joke of the party, or sacrificial lamb?
Sarah loves her extended family, but she has always dreaded holiday dinners with them. Every year, her uncle would bring up Sarah’s past mistakes or accidents. He would mention how many times Sarah had clumsily dropped or broken household items as a child. He would jokingly tell her family to hide all valuable dinnerware and serve her plastic plates and cups. Other relatives sometimes joined in the conversation and called Sarah a “bull in a China shop”.
Janet was recovering from alcohol addiction. Every couple of months, she’d participate in a girls’ weekend out with her friends. A problem that would arise is that one of her friends loved recalling past events involving Janet – specifically, all the ‘reckless’ things Janet did back then when she was under the influence of alcohol.
Even though Janet didn’t feel ashamed about that phase in her life, and was making tremendous effort on her recovery, the words imparted from her friend’s mouth still stung.
These types of situations can be painful. Despite having no intentions of hurting you, some friends or family members choose to remember you at your worst, bringing up old behaviours that no longer apply today. Perhaps they really believe the stories they tell about you are funny and harmless.
Unfortunately, people’s past recollections can leave you feeling angry and sad. When this happens, you might be tempted to lash out at the person who is imparting your old story; however, there’s a better way of dealing with it. One way is by being pro-active and redirecting the conversation gracefully.
Setting the Record Straight In Real Time
It’s time to set the record straight when it comes to the outdated stories people are telling about you. For example, when a family member brings up your fierce temper from your teen years, you want to gently remind this person that it might have been true at one time; however, a lot has changed since then.
You’ve been working on transforming and growing into the best version of yourself.
You could say something along the lines of,
“I know that was your experience with me years ago but actually, I’m working on that now and I manage my emotions and expression in a much better way.”
Making A Simple Request Goes A Long Way
The last thing you want to do is put a person on the defensive by accusing them of wrongdoing. For instance, you wouldn’t want to say, “I hate it when you tell old stories about me. You always focus on the negative things I might have done. You don’t recognize the good in me.”
Instead, it’s more conducive for you to re-frame your words as a request. You could say, “I’m really working on myself to make positive changes in my life. I would really appreciate your support and blessing if you wouldn’t tell these old stories.”
This can be a powerful approach, especially if you’re currently in recovery. Maybe you have a friend who constantly brings up all the ‘wild’ things you did when you were intoxicated. You could respond, “I understand that’s how I’ve behaved in the past but I’m working on it now. It’s no longer who I want to be and I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop telling others about this incident. I’m trying to look forward and move on to a new chapter in my life.”
Sharing Your Transformation With The People Who Care About You
Now and again, a friend or relative is willing to respect your request. However, they may have questions about your journey of transformation. If the person who’s asking for more details is loving and supportive of you, consider sharing more about how or why you’ve decided to make the change.
You could say, “I realized that my outbursts of anger were out of control, and that I had to learn how to manage this emotion and my reactivity. I’ve been meeting with a counsellor who’s helping me work through my feelings of rage. With each session that we complete together, I get closer to becoming the person I want to be.”
Keep in mind, that it’s not necessary for you to share your story of transformation with everyone in your life. You can be vague or simply say nothing at all if you choose; especially if the person who’s asking doesn’t have your best interests at heart or is insensitive and treats you unkindly.
Honouring Your Efforts & Personal Boundaries
There will be some people, including family members and friends, that may be unwilling to honour your request to leave the past where it belongs – in the past. In this case, you must be more direct with these people.
You may have to repeat your request or remind them about it several more times, until it sticks. It’s important to set personal boundaries and follow up on consequences if they are crossed. This is vital to your well-being and the success of your transformation.
You could say, “I’m working on making positive changes here and that’s not helping. Would you be willing to be part of my life change? And if you don’t want to, maybe it’s best we stay apart for a while.”
Remember, this is your personal journey. If you feel like the people in your life don’t understand you and the changes you are working on making, it can be discouraging and limiting for you. When you’re trying to make real progress, it’s essential to surround yourself with people who will be a positive part of your journey.
If people don’t know or don’t care about your transformation, then it often means that they can’t be part of it. As you blossom into your best Self, be selective and choose supportive people in your life, who will love and inspire you.
