The way to opening your heart.

We all desire to experience healthy relationships. There’s not a person on the planet who doesn’t. Spiritually, it is possibly our highest purpose to connect with one another.

There’s a popular saying: “You can’t give what you don’t have”.

So, how do you identify any lack within you? How can you know what you don’t have to give? The answer is simple – Healthy relationships begin with you!

By observing our criticisms about the people closest to us, all relationships we’re invested in – whether intimate, family, friendship or professional, we can learn a lot from the people we’re attracted to. There is always a ‘resonance’ between the likes of people for exactly this purpose.

The prerequisite to forming healthy relationships begins with connecting intimately to TRUE SELF. When it comes to relationships, we cannot share with another what we do not share with our Self first.

It is no wonder many find it difficult to “Love Thy Neighbor as Thy Self”, for the kind of love most are familiar with is that of the ego. There’s rarely another point of reference evident. We definitely do not want to further enable egoic love.

What we do long for is to ignite our Heart’s Whole Love for all. It sounds simple enough, and yet, it seems one of the hardest things to do — to express loving kindness to one’s Self and extend it to others.

Why is that? Because of SELF-DOUBT.

Following are 5 ways that can assist you in creating healthy relationships with your Self and others: 

1  BEYOND ATTRACTION

Attraction is tricky – a seductress that weaves a web for us to walk into. If we understand its role, we can use it as a means to ‘agree’ or ‘disagree’ to an experience.

However, once we have engaged, it is wise to pause and consider what forming a relationship would offer us, if anything, beyond the initial appeal.

That being said, healthy attraction is built on the basis of accepting others for who they are NOW, and not who they potentially can become later. 

Potentiality is formless energy that depends on our own desire and effort for it to be realized – it offers no warranty plan.

Committing to a relationship based on its prospective, without any extra advantage, is a gamble.

2 HEAL THE PAST

Unresolved issues and attachments to our parents, or people in authority, must be reconciled. If not, we will carry their weight into our current relationships and experience recurring dysfunctional patterns unless we transform them. Until then, we will draw to ourselves people who will mirror our emotional wounds from childhood.

For example, if we still feel neglected by one or both our parents, we will attract people who will ignore our needs until we ‘make good’ with our parent(s) through the act of forgiveness, including for ourselves.

Or…

If we fear abandonment, expecting others to reassure and make us feel ‘safe’, we will bring partners who will not be committed fully to us. We will be taken advantage of in extreme ways (because in our efforts to keep them around, we will do ridiculous things to please them).

Eventually, to help us learn the lesson, they will somehow exit our life. They have to leave! Because they are our teachers – the ones our Soul chose to help us learn who we are (and who we are not).

3  ASPIRE FOR THE BEST

Do not settle for undesirable relationships unless you are prepared to pay the price.

To avoid an unnecessary process, be clear about your goals and intentions from the onset. Also have clarity about what others want for themselves within your relationships and whether they have expectations of you to fulfill their needs.

While you can be a positive influence, don’t hope to change anyone who doesn’t share your dreams. This behaviour can lead to resorting to manipulation and pretending to be someone you are not.  All involved will get hurt.

4  YOU CAN CHOOSE ANY TIME

Respect your personal boundaries and know where to draw the line regarding your relationship commitments.

You can cancel an implied or set agreement in the moment it no longer serves your well-being, without guilt.

Always have more than one option before agreeing to anything. Never pigeon-hole yourself into a situation.

5  SELF-LOVE, NOT SELF-DOUBT

Inevitably, when we do not take care of ourselves, we risk falling to low self-esteem and attracting people who will exploit us.

Low self-worth is a belief formed by the ego. When we don’t value who we are, it’s because we are addicted to the ego’s chatter that convinces us that we’re not good enough.

As a result, we then enable and ‘train’ others to treat us in ways that support and validate our limited perspective.

The anecdote is a big dose of loving, kindness toward our Self. This is a major requirement if we are to experience healthy relationships and live a fulfilling life.

Nurture your Self daily. Dedicate at least one hour a day for your well-being. Reschedule your activities to meet your sacred time.

You will quickly realize that you have more time than you think when you make your Self a priority. Your loved ones will thank you for this gift that they will also benefit from.

Remember, YOU are worth every loving moment of your life!

Written by Nicole Casati (originally published in 2014 @ nicoleamber.com)