Are you trying to figure out the reasons why your apology is rejected?
If you feel the need to offer someone a sincere apology, then read on to learn more about what NOT to do when asking for forgiveness.
WATCH PRESENTATION
Following are 10 things you should certainly be aware of to avoid ruining an apology.
1. Expecting an apology in return
If you’re apologizing only to prove that you were ‘right’ in some way, and the other person was ‘wrong’, it will backfire on you. With this attitude, there’s also the potential of causing more friction in the situation.
Apology Tip:
Take full responsibility for your part. Be sincere and focus on your own actions without attachment to those of the other person.
Apologize with no personal agenda and let go of the expectation of receiving an apology in return.
2. Avoiding further confrontation
An apology is as good as its intention and truthfulness. Don’t apologize just to quickly move past the discomfort, without talking about what you’re apologizing for.
The basis of your apology shouldn’t be to avert further confrontation. By doing so, you lose the opportunity to learn, grow and transform.
Apology Tip:
Offer a sincere apology and be willing to have a tough conversation if necessary.
Discuss what you might have done ‘wrong’ and what your commitment will be to prevent this transgression in the future.
3. Not accepting responsibility
Saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not responsible for your feelings”, or “Sorry, but you made me do it!” – is NOT AN APOLOGY – it is a way to escape from personal responsibility.
It not only places the onus on the other person, but it also invalidates their feelings. This type of apology makes it look like it’s the other person who did something wrong to you.
By turning the table around and pointing a finger at the other person, you’re excusing yourself of any accountability for your actions and how they were hurtful.
For example, if a person feels unloved or disrespected by your action, never tell them when apologizing, to look for that fulfillment within themselves.
Yes, it’s important for us to have inner harmony; however, at the time of your apology, it’s not your job to teach. It can be mentioned in casual conversation another time, after you have apologized.
Why?
Because it’s easier for someone to receive valuable wisdom when they are at peace with you and themselves. Furthermore, when a person begins to expand inner well-being in Self-love and Appreciation, it will strengthen their Self-Esteem.
Once achieved, it will become more difficult for you to get away with repeating the same transgressions out of ignorance. Because that person will now be in the position to decide whether s/he wants to experience the recurring event with you.
An apology lacking in accountability will be rejected (whether expressed or not), creating distance and potentially more conflict in your relationship.
Apology Tip:
Firstly, own up fully to your behaviour and how it negatively influenced the incident! Apologize when you fully understand how your action(s) upset the other person.
It doesn’t matter if the same behaviour in reverse wouldn’t provoke an equivalent reaction in you.
It’s not about you, it’s about the other person. Remember that!
4. Playing the reverse psychology or ‘Karma’ card
When apologizing, you might be tempted to apply reverse psychology or pull out the ‘Spiritual Karma’ card.
Eagerly bringing up the person’s past and trying to convince them that their response has nothing to do with you. That it’s what “they, or someone else did” before (maybe in their childhood or even in past lives).
Don’t go that route, because it can bite you in the budd, in equal measure!
When your apology is manipulative, you’re justifying your actions! In some ways, maybe even making yourself the victim, which robs the other person of focus and energy.
A common example is seen in people who emotionally/physically abuse their partner. After the abuse transpires, s/he will say to the person, “I love you so much, but you ALWAYS make me angry, and that’s why I do it!”
If an apology is given at the same time as the justification, it’s only because the ‘abuser’ is afraid of the personal or legal consequences of their actions. Possibly trying to stop the recipient from acting on common-sense.
If you’re applying the reverse psychology technique to put yourself in a position of power over a person, then you’re creating a risky karmic event for yourself. Eventually you will be forced to learn the lessons of Cause and Effect in a more uncomfortable way.
Such a calculating apology will cause greater confusion for all involved and will be rejected, creating distrust in your relationship.
Apology Tip:
Abide by the Law of Cause & Effect and own your part of the equation.
Quit all manipulation and hang your Spiritual Cloak outside the door!
Apologize when you can step into the other person’s shoes and feel their pain, leaving yourself out.
Fully understand how your action(s) upset him/her. Leave the ‘spiritual’ justifications and preaching to someone else. Even if it’s your vocation, don’t bring it home!
Never assume you have any rights over another person to impart karmic judgment unless you have no karma of your own to deal with. Besides, if you are truly an example of ‘righteousness’, then you wouldn’t be inclined to condemn a person’s feelings (as either good, or bad), in the first place.
Remember, when truly apologizing, it’s never about taking the upper hand!
5. Being too vague
Apologizing without addressing your specific behaviour that caused the conflict, is too vague and is often an attempt to deflect responsibility.
For example, merely saying “I’m sorry I hurt you” and leaving it at that, is NOT enough; nor does it speak to what you did. It produces too much ambiguity and puts the focus on the recipient’s reaction to your transgression, instead of your own behaviour.
Apology Tip:
When apologizing, ensure that you speak directly to what you did and describe what you’re apologizing for. Assure the person that your new awareness will assist you in preventing the same mistake from happening again.
6. Showing no remorse
Saying the “right words” without the consciousness of true care and repentance, is meaningless. The other person will sense your fake apology and it will be rejected.
Having no remorse might even hurt the person more and create disharmony.
If you find yourself just going through the motions, without sensitivity and a lack of empathy, then your words are worthless.
Apology Tip:
Put yourself into the other person’s shoes.
Before apologizing, practice a forgiveness meditation or prayer to energetically reconcile with the person who feels hurt by your behaviour.
Once you reach a place of genuine remorse for your transgression, if appropriate, apologize in person.
7. Demanding forgiveness
If you’re apologizing simply to receive immediate forgiveness in return, to alleviate your own feelings of guilt, you will be in for a rude awakening instead.
Apologizing doesn’t guarantee forgiveness, it’s merely the first step toward reconciliation (which is also not always a given).
Apology Tip:
Apologize sincerely and don’t give up until you’ve expressed yourself to the person three times! Make sure you follow through on transforming your behaviour at the same time.
If your apology is still rejected and forgiveness isn’t granted, then release the situation to the Light of The All.
You have put in the effort and now it’s between the Universe and that specific person. You have freed yourself from the cord that bound you.
8. Refusing to listen
When offering an apology, it’s about listening just as much as it is talking. If you speak over a person, not giving them a chance to express themselves fully, then you’re not imparting much of an apology, are you?
Apology Tip:
Be an active listener and truly hear what the person is saying to you. If a person is explaining how your behaviour upset them, don’t interrupt with defensiveness. Stay quiet until it’s your turn to speak!
Remember, you are the one apologizing. The person will naturally want to talk more in depth about what happened. If you are inclined to invalidate their feelings once more, then you’ll find yourself back to where you started. You’ll probably give yourself another reason to need to apologize again!
Listening, without the need to be right, is a true form of sharing.
9. Repeating the past transgression
The best way to ruin any apology is to repeat the same transgression(s), behaving like a broken record.
Your apology becomes unacceptable if you’re not making any effort to change and stop making the same mistakes. After repeated empty apologies, you won’t be taken seriously. Getting another chance to apologize again might be rejected.
Apology Tip:
How often has someone told us that “Sorry is not good enough”, when we keep doing the same things repeatedly? That the best apology is transformed behaviour?
That’s because only a genuine apology, coupled with actual change, becomes better than saying sorry numerous times.
Expressing your regret can be the first step to bringing closure, but don’t stop there! Transformed behaviour is the best apology.
Remember, actions speak louder than empty promises!
10. Driven by fear of loss
Sometimes you might assume the reverse role by apologizing to the ‘perpetrator’ for your reaction, instead of addressing their apparent transgression. You allow that person to steer clear of responsibility.
Usually it’s because the person is stubborn, pridefully refusing to acknowledge and apologize for their behaviour.
What’s triggered in you as a result, is your own insecurity and fear of rejection/abandonment, after expressing yourself in a reactive way.
While not resolving the initial reason for your reaction, you wipe out the other person’s responsibility for their transgression without further dialogue. Your attitude empowers and enables their viewpoint that they did nothing wrong; thus, allowing the transgression to be left intact.
The false sense of power this person gets from you could lead them to behave as if they hold all the vital pieces in the relationship. They might even try to give you the impression that you love them more than they do you. If this is the case, they will keep the threat of abandonment over your head.
If you find yourself in this disposition, then out of self-respect, you must ‘call their bluff’ at some point. Be true to yourself and be ready to make serious adjustments to your relationship (when there’s imbalance and no willingness to improve).
If you can’t be yourself out of fear of ‘losing’, then what you have is not real to begin with.
Apology Tip:
Don’t apologize for your reaction until the person initiates discussion about what they did to upset you. Keep your silence and be prepared to wait as long as you have to.
Create personal boundaries and at the appropriate time express them. Be willing to follow through with any consequences (if they are crossed). Of course, allow the person some time to adapt to and respect your new boundaries.
Reflect on how you can better respond (rather than react) to any seeming challenges that may transpire moving forward.
BONUS:
11. It takes two to Tango, Three to Zen
Always remember that there are three players to every ‘story’…
Player #1: You
Player #2: The other person
Player #3: The Truth
12. Choosing the right Communication style
Misunderstandings come easy when we take shortcuts. Never text your apology, and only email an apology if it’s the single best means available to you.
The ideal scenario, if it’s an option and deemed safe, is to apologize in person.
What are some of the ways you have apologized, only to be met by rejection?
Can you recall a time when your apology was successful and received well?
We would love to hear more about any practices you follow that help you to reach reconciliation in your relationships.
Please share your comments below.
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It’s a relaxation meditation for shifting reality in which Peace and Harmony can be realized now, in this lifetime. You can live in paradise now. Our earth can rise to a higher vibrational octave and express its true divine potential.
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